


The Isolation Blues

by AwokenMonster



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Stay Home, call of the void, corona virus isolation, happy end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:40:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24720979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwokenMonster/pseuds/AwokenMonster
Summary: It had been fluctuating for weeks now. Being alone with his own worst enemy – his thoughts – wasn’t easy.Danny/Charlie but can be seen as just a friendship. I just like my dose of Channy.Rated M for suicidal ideas.
Relationships: Charlie Scene & Danny, Charlie Scene/Danny Murillo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	The Isolation Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Monster: Hi guys. This is the vent fic I wasn't going to post but I decided to post it anyway. You never know who might find some strength in it. In a week or three I'll be able to write A LOT more than I'm able to right now and I can't wait, really. Enjoy.
> 
> I kinda wanna thank AiriaMurillo - didn't gift this to her because it's depressing - but her occasional peptalks have been a major help. She's a great person c:
> 
> I'm actually really scared to post this and I'm not sure why.
> 
> Trigger warning; suicidal images

How are you? 11:02am

A simple question, often with no real curiosity to someone's state of mind. All it ever did, was bring dread to those who weren't fine.

Charlie tightened his grip on the phone, watching his knuckles go white as he did. He felt a flash of a thought, just a tiny split second of an image where his phone splintered and left his hand bloody and mangled. He huffed with a cynical smile and locked his phone screen.

He wasn’t going to reply.

Charlie told himself it was because he didn’t feel like lying about it anymore. But if he didn’t feel like lying, why didn’t he just tell the truth? Because the truth hurt.

The truth felt like a weight on his chest, like something sucking the oxygen out of his lungs and leaving him suffocating, trying to scream for relief but with no air left to scream. He could find himself happily distracted, finally okay, finally not thinking about a bad thing, and then a thought would come crashing into his mind.

_Do you remember?_

Of course, he remembered.

He remembered too much. He remembered so many bad things about his life, so much hurt, so many times he got hurt and so many times he caused hurt. He’d been remembering it all so vividly that he had been wondering about ways to create total amnesia, or partial amnesia.

Was it worth the loss of his good memories if it means he lost his bad memories?

_Yes._

God, saying yes to that physically hurt him. He tried to distract himself. He tried to think rationally.

_Look, you’ve been fine for years. Everyone makes mistakes when they’re young. Why are you so hung up on them?_

Charlie paused. Yeah, why was he so hung up on things he usually didn’t give a shit about anymore?

_The only reason you’re feeling bad right now, is because the stay-at-home thing is taking its toll on you. Pick yourself up._

Charlie wished he knew how to pick himself up. It had been fluctuating for weeks now. Being alone with his own worst enemy – his thoughts – wasn’t easy. He sighed again. It seemed like all he ever did in his days now, was sigh.

He hoped every time that exhaling, would take the charcoal smoke out of his mind.

***

Charlie scared himself. He’d found himself getting a headache from trying not to think anymore. He’d found himself trying all sorts of breathing exercises but they only made him lightheaded and made his throat dry. Instead, he had gotten a headache and he had messed around in the medicine cabinet until he found painkillers. In a moment of bliss, he found them in the back, snatching them out and holding them into the air like they were his most prized possession. He checked the label for an expiration date. The label became blurry, seemingly a glitch in the matrix, when a thought hit. _If you take enough of these, you won’t have to remember anything anymore. You won’t have to feel anything._

He swallowed a lump in his throat, took one pill and swallowed it with some tap water. He took a deep breath and found himself staring into the mirror. His own image was distorted, like he couldn’t see who he was anymore. It was like his reflection was made out of dust and someone kept swiping their fingers through it.

_You’ve changed. You’re not the same person you were when you were younger. When things weren’t looking up for you._

Charlie felt time slow as another image appeared, just a split second image of him smashing his head into the mirror as it shattered by his skull. He gasped, afraid of the image and backed away. The days were getting harder. He checked his phone. Right. Video call with the guys.

At least it would distract him from himself.

He felt like he lived in a blur, feeling a familiar pain to breathe while he sat down on the bed for the videocall. He was grateful to see his friends.

“Hey guys!” Johnny called out, far too cheerful for anyone’s mood. He had his kids making noise in the background and Asia was running around frantically. Charlie felt the need to yell at Johnny to help her but he ended up smirking and shaking his head instead.

“That is so cute”, J-Dog smiled. “Oh gross, I was looking at my own face.”

“Don’t we all do that when we video call?” Funny asked. Danny hummed. “I do, at least.”

“Great to see you guys”, Charlie chuckled. “My house is a lot less empty whenever we call.”

“Oh yeah, you’re alone”, Danny remembered. He’d been living his single life with J-Dog while Johnny and Funny had their family with them. Charlie nodded with a smile. “Yes, I am. Dancing in my underwear every single day. I’m not even wearing pants right now!”

“How are you?” J-Dog asked.

Charlie could instantly feel his eyes glaze over. He felt kicked in the gut. The smile melted off his face. “I uh…”

_Don’t lie. You told yourself you wouldn’t lie anymore._

He didn’t want to say he was fine anymore. It was such a huge lie. What else was he supposed to say? _I’ve been wondering how many painkillers I need to take to stop the pain? I wonder what the best method is to cease to exist? I’m afraid I won’t survive this situation. I need help._

“Charlie?”

Charlie snapped out of his mind, looking at four expectant faces. “Oh yeah, I’ve… had better days.”

“Haven’t we all?” Danny asked.

It was enough to take their attention off him. He was both relieved and disappointed. _Why don’t you just talk to your friends?_ Because they wouldn’t understand. They would tell Charlie to get rid of whatever’s causing his anxiety but he _can’t_.

He didn’t need to take care of the things causing the anxiety because the real cause, was the constant isolation and lack of freedom. Once the whole situation was over, he would be free and he would be able to forget about the bad memories, distract himself and work towards being happy again. While the guys talked about their lives, Charlie vanished into the background. He opened a different window on his phone, googling ways to deal with the isolation anxiety.

Many options came up and Charlie almost felt hopeful, until he started reading. The words flew by him like meaningless letters. _Anxiety because of uncertainty. Stay safe. Stay home. Stay healthy. Make sure you check verified websites for information._ None of it had anything to do with spiralling downward into your own depression because of isolation so badly that the anxiety alarm was flashing bright red every single second of the day.

He felt like he was the only one dealing with this. It seemed like it, online. He remembered the guys were still talking and switched back to the videocall, pretending he knew what they were talking about while browsing.

When it ended, he took a moment to stare at the black screen of his phone, face reflecting in it. It still seemed distorted.

His image wasn’t real.

He hadn’t been able to distract himself because whenever he came out of the distraction, he remembered. He remembered just how terrible he’d been doing this week. _I hope I survive._

***

Visits were allowed. Only the same people though. Charlie hoped it would take the pressure off his mental health, but he feared after seeing the guys, he would still feel the same. He had looked so damn forward to it. He’d been excited all day to just submerse himself into their positivity, absorb it and regain the confidence he had lost.

When they arrived and all sat in his garden, having a beer and tossing jokes around, Charlie felt relieved. He felt like the negativity in his mind was still there but it wasn’t gripping him by the throat. Until…

“How are you?” Johnny asked.

Charlie felt the familiar pain rip through him. He didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to break down in front of them either. So he mustered the courage to smile. “I’m happy you guys are here?”

“Yeah? You’re happy?” Johnny asked.

Charlie swallowed a lump in his throat. He was stuck so he hesitantly nodded. Johnny eyed him for it but said nothing. It was enough to ruin Charlie for the rest of the night. He kept thinking how dumb it was to let a small exchange beat down his mood but that thought alone was enough to keep the self-blaming cycle going. By the time they left, he felt like crap again. Because he knew he was happier when they were around so if he already felt bad, he’d feel absolutely horrid once they left. And he did.

He sighed, once again hoping to exhale the charcoal smoke inside. He felt the familiar sense of pain inside and tried to cough it out but a cough never changed anything about the feeling in his chest.

“Hey Charlie.”

Charlie spun around, catching Danny, leaning against the fence of his garden, beer in hand. “Oh, I thought you left too.”

“I’m going to. But I wanna talk to you first”, Danny shrugged.

Charlie felt both relieved and burdened. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hide the pain. Danny pushed himself off the fence. “Let’s go inside.”

Great plan.

Charlie tried to talk, chatter like his happy self would as he walked inside but Danny grabbed his hand and pulled him back so he was forced to face him. “I know you’re not okay.”

“W-what?”

Danny put his beer on the table, standing near the dining table between kitchen and living room. “I’ve noticed you seem to glitch when anyone asks you how you’re doing.”

Charlie said nothing so Danny took a step closer to find his gaze, but Charlie didn’t want to return it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Charlie considered it. “I- I just don’t know what to say about it. I’m not okay. I’m wearing myself thin. I’m not sure if I’m going to survive and I don’t know how to fix the damage that has been done to myself. My anxiety has been through the fucking roof for two weeks now.”

Danny cocked his head. “That really sucks. I guess it’s the situation worsening your anxiety, isn’t it?”

Danny always knew about Charlie’s mental health issues. The guys did too but never really asked him about it. They had their own issues to take care of and Charlie had never wanted to burden them. Same for Danny but Danny had _asked_ and he just couldn’t say “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine!” again.

“I keep getting upset over dumb shit and revising my life needlessly. I feel like I’ve undone everything I’ve worked for the last few years”, Charlie could feel a headache set in again. Remembering the thought he had about painkillers only made him feel worse.

“Spending time alone is gonna make you dig deeper and deeper until you find ways to hurt yourself. Push the thoughts away. You’re not undoing years’ worth of progress. You’re just a little less strong right now”, Danny said. He pulled Charlie closer to hug him. Charlie wanted to protest. Hugs weren’t exactly ‘allowed’ right now, but just feeling Danny wrap his arms around him, made him feel so much better. “I didn’t want to say anything because it sounds so fucking petty to have some stay-at-home blues.”

“You don’t sound petty. You don’t have to keep your happy little image going. You’re not tequila, stop trying to make everyone happy. Let go sometimes”, Danny said. Charlie chuckled at the comment. “I want to let go. I keep wondering about dumb as shit mistakes in life that I wouldn’t even think twice about usually.”

“Then we’ll find a way”, Danny said. He finally let go of Charlie. “I’m here for you. I’m sure the guys are too. But I’m here. You’re not alone. We tend to blow up the mistakes of the past into huge stories in our mind but truth be told, something you’re bothered by, might not even be something someone else involved remembers! So just breathe and remember that you’re loved and safe today. You’re a good friend to many people.”

Charlie nodded. “I think I needed that. It’s just… I’m done saying I’m fine when I’m not but whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, I just feel this reminder of _Hey you’re not okay._ And this dumb shit just keeps blowing me over and upsetting me.”

“I know. It sucks. I won’t ask, at least”, Danny promised. Charlie smiled. “I appreciate it.”

Danny sat down on the couch in the living room. “Now, what can I do to help you feel less alone and more happy?”

“Weren’t you going home?”

“Yeah, but I’m not letting you cycle through the thoughts tonight, dude. Oh and I drove J-Dog here so he’s most likely moping while walking home and I think that’s absolutely hilarious”, Danny chuckled. Charlie smirked at the thought. “Why’d you do that to Jay?”

“He ate my fucking pizza last night so he deserves to cool off a bit”, Danny grinned.

Charlie shook his head. “Well I’d love for you to stay longer.”

He waited for the feeling of dread to sink in over feeling hopeful, but it surprisingly didn’t. He glanced at his reflection in the glass door to the hallway from where he was standing by the dining table. The distorted image was him again. He still didn’t look happy, but he didn’t feel like smashing his head into it. And that was something. Not much. But _something._

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment, they're our heavy fuel.
> 
> At least the vent fic had a good ending.  
> I wrote most of it a few weeks ago and deliberately waited to post it until I was less of a mess.
> 
> For anyone wondering why I picked Charlie.  
> I remember seeing somewhere Charlie mentioned suffering from depression but no one took him serious because he was "too happy" and judging by certain lyrics from Broken Record and Your Life amongst other songs, I made up this idea that Charlie has mostly conquered his depression but is thrown back into it when shit gets rough.
> 
> And for anyone interested, I wrote this while listening to Breaking Down by I Prevail and Would Anyone Care by Citizen Soldier. Both are very emotional songs in two different genres.  
> The latter was especially a tough song to listen to for its lyrics but just like this fic, it has a happy ending so I like it c:


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